"I'm a big person in a small body," she said, "I've got no time for small men with boisterous egos." 

I had a moment of nostalgia last night, found pictures of myself from when I was only 18 years old. I looked young and inexperienced. Newly legal and heartbroken did something very good for my complexion. It's a shame that being naive doesn't last longer than a year or two. It was a photographic momento in which my past said, "It's too bad you grew up, kid." But you know, who I was back then could not tolerate the things I handle now with ease.
It's no wonder I was of a happier disposition back then.

I know I haven't made an update in awhile, at least, not one of any real positive perspective. I'm sure that it makes anything I've got to say hard to read if not completely unbearable. If you're skipping over this, you've probably got a pretty good idea going. 

My heart isn't broken, my family is okay, my friends are all still very much alive with the glory of love and ambition. Yet, I feel as if I'm stuck in a box. It's suffocating me. I tried distracting myself by involving my emotions and physical energies towards someone and that's currently led me to a friendship that could never be more than a friendship with physical embellishments when the time calls for it. I truely believe that having it end/begin that way is a great step towards convincing myself that it's fate's way of telling me to focus more on my life goals and less on the  garden of fickle fondness thorns that i drag myself through. 

I'm working university applications, though I'm completely skint on the application fees. (Let it be known at this very moment I have only 30 cents in my bank account.) I'm researching  more schools to give myself more options. In state, out of state, it doesn't quite matter as long as I can land a good job after I'm finished and not end up 100,000 dollars indebt.

I watched Stardust  with my mom tonight because we were both in terrible moods. (She, stressed because of finances and I, well, I suppose depression and a cold.) I absolutely adore the film. The cinematography was whimsical, romantic and just right for the entire plot of the movie. I don't really know much about expressing opinions on films because I don't know a ton about them besides how to predict whats going to happen, but this particular film has become a new favorite. Thank you, Neil Gaiman. 

this isn't love
it's just the faint smell
of chamomile & lust.
a betrayal by the heart
with a stake through old trusts.

let this time serve a lesson
let these words reach deserving ears
no time is better than the present
to regret moments of having no fear.

...I'm off to watch Conan O'Brien in Chicago. 


Postscript: I believe I'm going to take a trip to London this summer. Anyone want to accompany me? 

sometimes its my only hope
that the world hasn't completely 
forgotten about me. 

because sometimes
i forget who i am.

i've had a long night
of late lane changes and streetlights
but i can tell from the fog on the glass
that these feelings are fleeting

so this is a test of the worst kind
it is a challenge of self
and if i promise myself
i'm sure i'll make it out alright

but your smile is a big flame
in the small dark cave of this town,
and when no one is looking
i know that you're going down

-to the park, you're going show all the kids
how to play because you know all the games
 
these nights keep getting longer
my sleep patterns are a wreck
i'm hardly ship-shape,
i'm more oblong than ever
and it's clever that i never
say the things i mean to say
until it's too late.

this is a test of the worst kind
it is a challenge of self
and if i dare myself
i'm sure i'll make out like a bandit

but your smile is a big flame
iin the small dark cave of this town
and when no one is looking
i know that you're going down.

Earnesto Martinez-Nieto totally made my day. Why is this you ask? Because he's the admissions adviser for my application to Loyola University. He's the nicest man in the world and I was so glad to have reached him when I did. 
I've got to send in another copy of my transcript after this semester has been fully documented and I should know at the end of January, beginning of Feburary if I was admitted. Also, my GPA is ridiculously high for the program I'm going into so Mr. Nieto informed me that I would be eligible to recieve Merit Schlorships. How awesome is that?

As far as everything else is concerned, things are good. I'm officially done with BCC. I'm going to try and find a new job in January, preferrably full-time and better paying.  It shouldn't be too hard, but you never know. I never thought I'd be begging for a nine-to-five job. 

Kristyn, Lauren & Alexis all come home this weekend for Christmas vacation. I couldn't be more thrilled upon their arrivals. And next weekend my dad, my cousin Thommy, his wife Linda and their boys Justin and Thompson are coming from Texas for Christmas. They'll be here for a week. I believe Thommy is going to teach me how to tune my guitar. Which will be so wonderful.

There are other things I'd like to discuss but as time would have it, I have other things to do.